I do not like Smrt Cars

There are many reasons why I do not like smrt cars.

1. They are bad for road trips

I once went on a road trip from Chicago to San Francisco with three friends in a large sedan. We figured we could make the trip in 36 hours if we drove at top speed and stopped only to purchase cold beverages. Which we did. Only two of those on the trip (not me included) had valid drivers licenses at the time so they shared the driving duties while the other two (me included) sat in the spacious back seat drinking beer and playing a game called "Annoy front seat people with our feet". You could not do this in a smart car.

2. They look funny

Like the have enormous asses. It kind of reminds me of those women who have a normal top half and extremely abnormal bottom half. So that when they are sitting behind a desk you think "Well here is an attractive woman." Then they get up and you are so shocked by the disproportionate size of their rear end that you blurt out something crazy like "Holy shit it's a fucking hippopotamus!"

3. They fuck up the parking system

Someone that lives on my street has a smart car. When it first appeared I was all "Hey cool! It's a smart car!" Then I started noticing that on many occasions there were only half parking spots available. These spots were left behind by the smart car in question. And because the system had been thrown off there was usually another half spot left at the end of the block as well. Not for lack of trying, I came to the realization that my car is too big to fit into a space previously occupied by a smart car. This made me very angry, especially when I had to drive around for ten minutes looking for another spot, park two blocks away, and carry my laundry and a can of mace past the half spot right in front of my apartment door. When the opportunity arrises I try to get my revenge by parking right up against its bumper thereby blocking in the smart car but the little fucker keeps getting away.

4. If in an accident all occupants of the smart car will die

I do not have a giant semi truck of even a large suv but I am pretty sure that my car would make street pizza out of smart car. Driving in this city makes me angry enough without having to worry about blowing a stop sign and taking out an entire granola crunching family of four.